You can have her.

With the latest health care reforms our government is in the process of instilling, my Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty have decided to move to Canada.

Eileen: "There's lots of jobs in Canada, the timber industry is hiring a lot of people."

I tried to explain that you can't just get a job that easily, especially in a foreign country.

Eileen: "I know four or five people who have moved to Canada and they got jobs right away."

Me: "No, it doesn't work like that. You can't just move to a foreign country and start working."

Eileen: "It's true, you just get a job right away."

Me: "No."

Eileen: "Yeah!"

Me: "No."

Eileen: "Yeah!"

Me: "No. If you do that, you'll be working illegally. You have to have a green card, visa, work permit or something like that. Just like when you get a job here, the HR department asks if you're a citizen and if not, to provide proof you can work in the country."

Eileen: *Silence* "Well, all we need is $20,000 then, and we can become citizens of Canada."

I don't know where this dollar figure came from, but this is coming from the person who can't afford to pay her own health insurance.

That'll learn it!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen is staying the night. Last week she asked if she could stay the night because she has an early doctor appointment. I just learned the appointment is at 2:00PM.

Anyway, Eileen just finished rubbing down her exposed stomach with lotion and then took her stomach and shook it. She gripped her stomach and shook it with all her might. Then she told me she does this to "teach the baby" to stop kicking her.

Sigh.

Something is sour

My Redneck Cousin Eileen is getting close to having her baby and consequently, a lot of people are giving her baby clothes. Yesterday, I helped Eileen sort all the baby clothes into boxes according to size when I noticed stains on a few of the onesies. At first, I thought it was because they were used. I have nothing against used baby clothes, as long as they are clean, disease free and look reasonably nice. But these stains were ridiculous. And then I decided to sniff one of the stains on the front of an outfit. It was sour! The stains were actually old sour spit-up milk!

I asked my Redneck Cousin about it and she said, "Oh, my friend gave them to me. She was pulling clothes out of her dirty clothes pile and giving them to me."

Meanwhile, these dirty clothes had been piled in the broken crib for weeks. They are now organized in boxes - still dirty. Eileen is excited about the baby clothes and sees nothing wrong with their state. Is it just me?

Redneck Vocabulary

Vargina (noun) - I don't like that word, "vargina," instead I say "privates."

Mocsakins (noun) - Indian mocsakins are so comfortable on my feet.

Kinaling (noun) - We need to chop some kinaling for tomorrows fire.

Ahh, cell phones. A blessing and a curse.

Me: Hullo?

Redneck Mom: I sent some pictures to your cell phone!

Me: Yes, I know. I just got them.

Redneck Mom: Are you putting the pictures into your computer?

Me: Um, no. I've been a little busy being unemployed and all. I'm watching TV.

Redneck Mom: Well in case you couldn't tell, they're chipmunk balls! They're the biggest chipmunk balls I have ever seen - you know, in proportion to this size animal body. They're HUUUUUGE. I can't wait until you show them to your friends!

Me: .....



Redneck Mom: Hello? Hello??HELLO?!AREYOUSTILLTHERE???

Me: Mom, calm down! Sometimes there is a slight delay on cell phones. Also, I was just thinking about what you said.

Redneck Mom: Oh OK. Stupid cell phone!

Breaking news!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty finally put in their new passenger windows!

About six months ago, she got mad and punched out one window, then he got mad and punched out the other. They taped black garbage bags where the windows should have been but got pulled over for having dark covering over their windows. Their solution was to rip off the black garbage bags and replace them with clear plastic. Fast forward six months and the plastic is full of holes and flapping in the wind. They looked so bad that the last time Eileen visited, one of my neighbors (jokingly) complained that their car brought down the neighborhood property value and scared away potential renters for his near-by rental.

We live in a cold, rainy state and their baby is due in a little over a month, so after much lecturing from family members, they decided to put in "plastic windows that won't break when we punch them." I suggested they buy one of those clown bunching bags instead, but they only laughed and puffed away on their cigarettes in deep thought. Thankfully, someone convinced them to buy glass windows and after talking about it for a month, finally installed them in the doors.

At least now the baby won't get rained on. Well, until someone gets angry.

Redneck games

Bored? I feel your pain. I grew up on an isolated ranch in the mountains without television reception. Thus, my sister and I had to be creative when it came time to entertaining ourselves. Take for instance, a game called Chicken Torture.

First, we would catch and calm down a chicken. Calming a chicken down is easy, just flip it over and there you have it. Calm. Next, tie a piece of hay bale twine to a post and then tie the other end to the chickens leg. Set him down on the ground and watch him run away and then get yanked off his feet! Yee haw! After a few tries, the chicken will give up and just lay there on the ground - even after you untie him. Ooh wee is that a lot of fun for a couple of podunk redneck kids!

Even more fun, get your Redneck Great Grandpa involved (when Grandma isn't looking) and have him make mouth harp noises while the chicken is trying to run away!

Something else you can do is wait until a good wintry day when the pond is frozen over, then call the chickens at feeding time and throw the chicken food on the ice! Chickens will go aflying and skidding everywhere.

Oh yeah, great fun!

....

Redneck Grandma always has something to say.

"Shit or get off the pot."

"It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock."

Moving violation

Once, my Redneck Uncle Samuel and Redneck Cousin Jason offered to help my sister (City Sister) move from one town to another. While visiting, they did a cookie in a road construction area, cussed loud enough to make the neighbors stare and generally acted out.

Finally, to her relief, she had everything packed and they left town. My sister decided to follow their truck, which carried her larger items that were covered by a tarp. The tarp kept waving around wildly in the wind but Uncle Samuel kept on driving. Suddenly, my sister saw him lurch off to the side of the road and come to a stop. It was then that she saw Jason in the bed of the truck! Apparently, he had slipped out of the window while Samuel was driving on a narrow, winding coastal highway and was trying to tie down the tarp.

I'm sure moving from a pickup truck cab to the bed is somewhere on the list of Redneck Accomplishments. And possibly may be nominated for the Darwin Awards.

The what?

Me: Good morning, Mom.

Redneck Mom: Good morning, sweetie. Watch out for the mouse blood.

Me: ???

(I'd like to say that I'm not surprised by much anymore, but my Redneck Mom still delivers surprise after surprise.)

Me: Um, mouse blood?

Redneck Mom: *Giggling* Well, it was dark in here this morning and I saw something scurrying towards me. I couldn't tell what it was but I knew it shouldn't be running towards me, so I instinctively stomped on it! (Shows me how she stomped and then stands on one leg with hands flailing in the air.) Then I realized...eww, I stomped on a mouse! I stomped on a mouse!

Me: Mom!

Redneck Mom: *More giggling* I guess the cats brought a mouse in the house.

Me: Er, OK. But why did you leave dried up mouse blood on the floor? And... is that the mouse?? *pointing*

Redneck Mom: Oh, the cats will take care of it.

You can take the girl out the country, but not the country out the girl.

I can't help that I'm related to rednecks. In fact, once in a while I do something rednecky too. Last week after my boyfriend and I arrived at my Redneck Mom's house at 11:30PM at night, we had to pee so bad that we walked down each of the driveways and peed at the end to "send a message to the coyotes."

I'm not sure what that message would be, but hopefully it keeps them at bay a little longer.

It's a disease, really.

Bathing

My Redneck Mom doesn't believe in bathing every day. She says, "it washes away natural minerals and oils that my body needs."

I'm afraid to argue this point with her, lest I learn more than I want to about her bathing habits.

Surgery

My Redneck Mom recently discovered she had a tick on her back. Well, not on it, but buried down under her skin. It all started when she felt something on her back and decided to rub against the door frame to soothe the itch. The next day, her back felt tender and painful to the touch. She had her sister, Redneck Aunt Ruby, come over to take a look and discovered she had rubbed off the body of a tick and the head was buried down in her flesh!

Thankfully, my Redneck Cousin Emalyn has some experience in this field (considering she is the health care provider for her cattle - not that I'm calling Mom a cow), so she and Ruby got together and decided to perform surgery on Mom.

"They used every knife they could find in my kitchen, plus my two pocket knives and some tweezers, but they were all dull. Boy it really hurt when they were digging in!"

(I just remembered how we used Mom's steak knives at dinner last night and I feel sick.)

Anyway, so after a couple hours of performing surgery with dull kitchen knives, my Redneck Cousin Emalyn got the tick out, poured some bleach on the wound and put on a Hello Kitty bandage with some Neosporin. And that is how you perform out-patient redneck surgery.

Also, now I'm excited because I know what I'm getting my Redneck Mom for her birthday - a knife sharpener!!

Redneck Vocabulary

Whipper whapper (noun) - The whipper whapper might be a little rusty, but you can still use it to beat the eggs for our french toast. Rust is a mineral, it's good for you.

Ninoleum (noun) - I bought some ninoleum flooring for the bottom of the chicken house.

Chimley (noun) - We used a garden hose to put out the chimley fire.

How to get fired, redneck style

After your boss asks you to do something, tell him to "Go suck my dick."

This statement makes more impact if you are pregnant and surrounded by elderly customers. Such exclamations may be necessary if you are union and other attempts to get fired have failed.

Drinking but not driving

A group of Redneck People I know recently asked a close friend to be their designated driver. She was driving along when she heard cans opening in the back seat. After some questioning, she learned her passengers were drinking beer. She quickly pulled over and made them all drink up before she drove any further.

This caused quite a bit of confusion because after all, she was their designed driver! Isn't that why they asked her to drive, so they could drink? There were a lot of sad faces and pouty expressions that night as everyone got to the bars a little less drunk than they expected.

Redneck dog training trick

Pesky Cocker Spaniel won't stop killing the chickens? Try this redneck solution:

Simply tie the dead chicken around the dogs neck and chain him up in the yard until he learns his lesson.

You might be in trouble if you have a dog that's a little low on brain cells. In this case, the dog just might eat the rotting chicken and the lesson won't be learned at all. Unfortunately, I think this type of dog might be a little more common than we'd like to believe. Good luck with that.

And let that be a warning to all of you too!

My Redneck Mom really knows her way around a rifle. Well, minus the fact that she told me she wasn't sure how to tell if her guns are on safety or not until she tries to take a shot, but that's a minor detail that I try not to think about. She has developed quite a reputation amongst her friends and family and nobody doubts her "Will shoot to kill" sign on her barn, but that story is for another day.

Being a woman, the men in the area are even more impressed with her abilities to shoot elk, deer, coyotes or anything else that ends up in her cross hairs. (All legal of course. Mom learned her lesson when she trapped a cougar and forgot to report it.)

Since she lives in a rural area, Mom experiences a lot of problems with predators, specifically coyotes. One night she heard coyotes howling in the field near her house, so she crept down to the field and saw one harassing her horses. spotted it at the very far end near the fence and shot it with a light in one hand so she could see his eyes glimmering and the rifle in the other. With one shot! The next day she hung the coyote on the fence "as a warning to all the other coyotes."

Somehow I doubt the coyotes in the area are that smart. In fact, they probably returned to take little bites off their friend.

Now I just need to find someone who can show her what "safety" looks like on a gun.

Rotten, and not just the eggs

Tired of those pesky kids parking their cars on the shoulders of narrow country roads near popular swimming holes? You know what I'm talking about, the ones that force log trucks to cut into your lane while driving around narrow corners? Just do what my Redneck Mom does. Save up all your rotten chicken eggs, then drive by the cars and throw the eggs at them.

You'll take care of two problems in one, your rotten eggs will be disposed of and your enemy will return to their car to find rotten egg bits and shells all over it. It's a win-win.