Redneck Mom's prized frozen possession

Also, I think that's an elk head in the black bag. I'm afraid to ask.

Sweet!

I spent the weekend at my Redneck Mom's, a woman who seemingly goes out of her way to give me something to think about my entire stay. "Watch out for the spider in the sugar," she said.

So we picked up the large bag that was sitting in the cupboard and looked. But no spider. "Well, I know he's in there because I saw his cobweb and then he ran away."

More looking ensued, but still no spider. "I'll just keep using the sugar and if he shows up, I'll throw him away." *giggling*

Needless to say, I had no need for sugar this weekend.

The Wall of Horror

Speaking of missed opportunities, my Redneck Grandpa once decided that he wanted to shoot one of the bears on our property. See, we lived in an old farm house way up in the freakin' middle of nowhere and by nowhere, I mean we had a TV but we couldn't get reception. So yes, there was a lot of Three Amigos, The Princess Bride and Good Morning, Vietnam watching going on. It gets stale after a while. Also, we cried whenever we missed the school bus. It was a sad, sad day when we missed the bus, usually followed by walking down the road until someone picked us up and gave us a ride the rest of the 20+ miles to school. But I digress!

So we had these three (or more) bears that visited us at night and ate blackberries off the bushes that surrounded our large plot of land. We didn't mind the bears, they stayed on their side of the bushes, we stayed on our side. Especially at night. It was a win win situation for all. But when Redneck Grandpa heard about the bears, he decided that one of them would make good bear sausage and steaks.

While we sat in the house waiting for dusk when the bears generally first show up, Grandpa told bear stories from his youth and his trips to Alaska, getting us all worked up by the scary stories of grizzlies. Mom decided it was time for us to put the goats, calves and chickens up so my sister and I headed outside to put away the animals. We were walking the goats to the chicken house when we suddenly heard gunshots. It turned out Grandpa was already outside shooting at the bears! Except, he didn't shoot a bear, he shot one of our pet calves. He had gotten so worked up by the bear stories that he shot the first thing that moved - our calf Dolly who was enjoying a few blackberries before bedtime.

He didn't kill her though, the bullet went through the fat between her jugular and the outside of her neck. Unfortunately, she died a few days later from asphyxiation caused by swelling (or something) after someone tried chasing her down to get her medication. I don't know all the details, I think I put them behind The Wall of Horror. But I do remember seeing her later that day in the back of Grandpa's truck, laying down with her legs sticking out straight and her gut all hollowed out. I don't know how that didn't make it behind The Wall of Horror.

It gets worse. When Dolly came back from the meat packaging plant, my sister and I took felt tip pens and drew pictures of little cows on the packages and wrote things like "Dolly's steak" and "Dolly's hamburger." It was our way of dealing with the pain. Yes, we ate our own pet calf that we hugged, kissed, played with and had bottle fed since age two days. We were poor. And hungry.

Redneck Grandpa never did get one of those bears.

Ahh, cell phones. A blessing and a curse.

Me: Hullo?

Redneck Mom: I sent some pictures to your cell phone!

Me: Yes, I know. I just got them.

Redneck Mom: Are you putting the pictures into your computer?

Me: Um, no. I've been a little busy being unemployed and all. I'm watching TV.

Redneck Mom: Well in case you couldn't tell, they're chipmunk balls! They're the biggest chipmunk balls I have ever seen - you know, in proportion to this size animal body. They're HUUUUUGE. I can't wait until you show them to your friends!

Me: .....



Redneck Mom: Hello? Hello??HELLO?!AREYOUSTILLTHERE???

Me: Mom, calm down! Sometimes there is a slight delay on cell phones. Also, I was just thinking about what you said.

Redneck Mom: Oh OK. Stupid cell phone!

Redneck games

Bored? I feel your pain. I grew up on an isolated ranch in the mountains without television reception. Thus, my sister and I had to be creative when it came time to entertaining ourselves. Take for instance, a game called Chicken Torture.

First, we would catch and calm down a chicken. Calming a chicken down is easy, just flip it over and there you have it. Calm. Next, tie a piece of hay bale twine to a post and then tie the other end to the chickens leg. Set him down on the ground and watch him run away and then get yanked off his feet! Yee haw! After a few tries, the chicken will give up and just lay there on the ground - even after you untie him. Ooh wee is that a lot of fun for a couple of podunk redneck kids!

Even more fun, get your Redneck Great Grandpa involved (when Grandma isn't looking) and have him make mouth harp noises while the chicken is trying to run away!

Something else you can do is wait until a good wintry day when the pond is frozen over, then call the chickens at feeding time and throw the chicken food on the ice! Chickens will go aflying and skidding everywhere.

Oh yeah, great fun!

....

Redneck dog training trick

Pesky Cocker Spaniel won't stop killing the chickens? Try this redneck solution:

Simply tie the dead chicken around the dogs neck and chain him up in the yard until he learns his lesson.

You might be in trouble if you have a dog that's a little low on brain cells. In this case, the dog just might eat the rotting chicken and the lesson won't be learned at all. Unfortunately, I think this type of dog might be a little more common than we'd like to believe. Good luck with that.