Baby shower game

While visiting my Redneck Mom last weekend, I attended my Redneck Cousin Eileen's baby shower. I walked in a few minutes after everyone had started a game and was told I needed to fill out a name tag using a word associated with a baby. The object of the game was to call people by their "new" name and if someone used the person's real name, they lost a safety pin to the person that called them on it first. The person with the most safety pins at the end of the shower won a prize.

I chose the name "Spit-up" and looked around the room to see what the others had chosen. My Redneck Aunt Ruby chose "Milk," another relative chose "Diaper," etc. Then I asked my Redneck Cousin what she had chosen.

"Titties." What, I said? "Titties!" The other women in the room rolled their eyes and said, Yes you heard her right. After a few words about the appropriateness of the word, she ended up changing her name to "Baby Mama." I told her that was better, even if it is ghetto.

Also, the baby shower was in a church. "Titties!"

Surgery

My Redneck Mom recently discovered she had a tick on her back. Well, not on it, but buried down under her skin. It all started when she felt something on her back and decided to rub against the door frame to soothe the itch. The next day, her back felt tender and painful to the touch. She had her sister, Redneck Aunt Ruby, come over to take a look and discovered she had rubbed off the body of a tick and the head was buried down in her flesh!

Thankfully, my Redneck Cousin Emalyn has some experience in this field (considering she is the health care provider for her cattle - not that I'm calling Mom a cow), so she and Ruby got together and decided to perform surgery on Mom.

"They used every knife they could find in my kitchen, plus my two pocket knives and some tweezers, but they were all dull. Boy it really hurt when they were digging in!"

(I just remembered how we used Mom's steak knives at dinner last night and I feel sick.)

Anyway, so after a couple hours of performing surgery with dull kitchen knives, my Redneck Cousin Emalyn got the tick out, poured some bleach on the wound and put on a Hello Kitty bandage with some Neosporin. And that is how you perform out-patient redneck surgery.

Also, now I'm excited because I know what I'm getting my Redneck Mom for her birthday - a knife sharpener!!

A solution

Though I live in a relatively small town, it's still a big city to my Redneck Family. A few months ago, my Redneck Aunt Ruby and Redneck Mom came to visit and were complaining about all the "traffic" driving through my residential neighborhood. A school bus drove by fairly fast but was still probably within the speed limit. My Redneck Aunt yelled out "SLOW DOWN!!!" and scared the crap out of all of us. See, she's just under 5 foot tall and yet has this alarmingly loud voice which is even louder when she's yelling. Of course the bus didn't slow down so she turned to us and said, "I have a solution for that bus! Next time it drives by, throw a life size baby doll in his window. That'll make him slow down!"

And now I want some orange chicken

"I want to learn Oriental."

Talking about foreign languages we want to study.