Playing it safe

Redneck Cousin Eileen recently received some words of wisdom from her father.

"You better hope your baby is a boy or Rusty won't be able to change it's diapers. If he changes the diapers of a baby girl, he can go to jail for sexual molestation."

Eileen's husband has taken these words to heart and has already announced he won't be changing any of the upcoming baby girl's diapers.

Baby shower game

While visiting my Redneck Mom last weekend, I attended my Redneck Cousin Eileen's baby shower. I walked in a few minutes after everyone had started a game and was told I needed to fill out a name tag using a word associated with a baby. The object of the game was to call people by their "new" name and if someone used the person's real name, they lost a safety pin to the person that called them on it first. The person with the most safety pins at the end of the shower won a prize.

I chose the name "Spit-up" and looked around the room to see what the others had chosen. My Redneck Aunt Ruby chose "Milk," another relative chose "Diaper," etc. Then I asked my Redneck Cousin what she had chosen.

"Titties." What, I said? "Titties!" The other women in the room rolled their eyes and said, Yes you heard her right. After a few words about the appropriateness of the word, she ended up changing her name to "Baby Mama." I told her that was better, even if it is ghetto.

Also, the baby shower was in a church. "Titties!"

She must have missed that parenting class

Apparently, my Redneck Grandma heard about Redneck Eileen shaking the baby while in utero. She told Eileen to stop being mean to the baby. Eileen sulked.

And now I'm hungry for pumpkin pie

My Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty are staying the night. I actually look forward to their visits because they're not here long enough to make me question my sanity and give me a break in my monotonous life.

Eileen is only weeks away from giving birth. She showed me her belly button (which is starting to poke out) and told me that it is going to tell her when the baby is ready, like when a turkey is done. Only, as soon as hers pops out, "the baby will pop out too." She means it literally.

Breaking news!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty finally put in their new passenger windows!

About six months ago, she got mad and punched out one window, then he got mad and punched out the other. They taped black garbage bags where the windows should have been but got pulled over for having dark covering over their windows. Their solution was to rip off the black garbage bags and replace them with clear plastic. Fast forward six months and the plastic is full of holes and flapping in the wind. They looked so bad that the last time Eileen visited, one of my neighbors (jokingly) complained that their car brought down the neighborhood property value and scared away potential renters for his near-by rental.

We live in a cold, rainy state and their baby is due in a little over a month, so after much lecturing from family members, they decided to put in "plastic windows that won't break when we punch them." I suggested they buy one of those clown bunching bags instead, but they only laughed and puffed away on their cigarettes in deep thought. Thankfully, someone convinced them to buy glass windows and after talking about it for a month, finally installed them in the doors.

At least now the baby won't get rained on. Well, until someone gets angry.