I think that's what got her in trouble in the first place

My Redneck Cousin Eileen announced in a text today that she is having cunt tractions and should be having the baby soon. Yes, you read that correctly. Cunt tractions.

Playing it safe

Redneck Cousin Eileen recently received some words of wisdom from her father.

"You better hope your baby is a boy or Rusty won't be able to change it's diapers. If he changes the diapers of a baby girl, he can go to jail for sexual molestation."

Eileen's husband has taken these words to heart and has already announced he won't be changing any of the upcoming baby girl's diapers.

Baby shower game

While visiting my Redneck Mom last weekend, I attended my Redneck Cousin Eileen's baby shower. I walked in a few minutes after everyone had started a game and was told I needed to fill out a name tag using a word associated with a baby. The object of the game was to call people by their "new" name and if someone used the person's real name, they lost a safety pin to the person that called them on it first. The person with the most safety pins at the end of the shower won a prize.

I chose the name "Spit-up" and looked around the room to see what the others had chosen. My Redneck Aunt Ruby chose "Milk," another relative chose "Diaper," etc. Then I asked my Redneck Cousin what she had chosen.

"Titties." What, I said? "Titties!" The other women in the room rolled their eyes and said, Yes you heard her right. After a few words about the appropriateness of the word, she ended up changing her name to "Baby Mama." I told her that was better, even if it is ghetto.

Also, the baby shower was in a church. "Titties!"

She must have missed that parenting class

Apparently, my Redneck Grandma heard about Redneck Eileen shaking the baby while in utero. She told Eileen to stop being mean to the baby. Eileen sulked.

And now I'm hungry for pumpkin pie

My Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty are staying the night. I actually look forward to their visits because they're not here long enough to make me question my sanity and give me a break in my monotonous life.

Eileen is only weeks away from giving birth. She showed me her belly button (which is starting to poke out) and told me that it is going to tell her when the baby is ready, like when a turkey is done. Only, as soon as hers pops out, "the baby will pop out too." She means it literally.

The baby is doomed

A few weeks ago my Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty drove into my driveway, parked the car, opened the doors and let out clouds of cigarette smoke.

Eileen is pregnant. She knows cigarette smoke is bad for the baby.

She is also counting down the days until her 21st birthday, which is a couple months after the anticipated birth. She plans on "getting real drunk." She thinks it's OK to breast feed while she's drunk or hungover because technically, the baby isn't drinking the alcohol.

You can have her.

With the latest health care reforms our government is in the process of instilling, my Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty have decided to move to Canada.

Eileen: "There's lots of jobs in Canada, the timber industry is hiring a lot of people."

I tried to explain that you can't just get a job that easily, especially in a foreign country.

Eileen: "I know four or five people who have moved to Canada and they got jobs right away."

Me: "No, it doesn't work like that. You can't just move to a foreign country and start working."

Eileen: "It's true, you just get a job right away."

Me: "No."

Eileen: "Yeah!"

Me: "No."

Eileen: "Yeah!"

Me: "No. If you do that, you'll be working illegally. You have to have a green card, visa, work permit or something like that. Just like when you get a job here, the HR department asks if you're a citizen and if not, to provide proof you can work in the country."

Eileen: *Silence* "Well, all we need is $20,000 then, and we can become citizens of Canada."

I don't know where this dollar figure came from, but this is coming from the person who can't afford to pay her own health insurance.

That'll learn it!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen is staying the night. Last week she asked if she could stay the night because she has an early doctor appointment. I just learned the appointment is at 2:00PM.

Anyway, Eileen just finished rubbing down her exposed stomach with lotion and then took her stomach and shook it. She gripped her stomach and shook it with all her might. Then she told me she does this to "teach the baby" to stop kicking her.

Sigh.

Something is sour

My Redneck Cousin Eileen is getting close to having her baby and consequently, a lot of people are giving her baby clothes. Yesterday, I helped Eileen sort all the baby clothes into boxes according to size when I noticed stains on a few of the onesies. At first, I thought it was because they were used. I have nothing against used baby clothes, as long as they are clean, disease free and look reasonably nice. But these stains were ridiculous. And then I decided to sniff one of the stains on the front of an outfit. It was sour! The stains were actually old sour spit-up milk!

I asked my Redneck Cousin about it and she said, "Oh, my friend gave them to me. She was pulling clothes out of her dirty clothes pile and giving them to me."

Meanwhile, these dirty clothes had been piled in the broken crib for weeks. They are now organized in boxes - still dirty. Eileen is excited about the baby clothes and sees nothing wrong with their state. Is it just me?

Breaking news!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty finally put in their new passenger windows!

About six months ago, she got mad and punched out one window, then he got mad and punched out the other. They taped black garbage bags where the windows should have been but got pulled over for having dark covering over their windows. Their solution was to rip off the black garbage bags and replace them with clear plastic. Fast forward six months and the plastic is full of holes and flapping in the wind. They looked so bad that the last time Eileen visited, one of my neighbors (jokingly) complained that their car brought down the neighborhood property value and scared away potential renters for his near-by rental.

We live in a cold, rainy state and their baby is due in a little over a month, so after much lecturing from family members, they decided to put in "plastic windows that won't break when we punch them." I suggested they buy one of those clown bunching bags instead, but they only laughed and puffed away on their cigarettes in deep thought. Thankfully, someone convinced them to buy glass windows and after talking about it for a month, finally installed them in the doors.

At least now the baby won't get rained on. Well, until someone gets angry.

How to get fired, redneck style

After your boss asks you to do something, tell him to "Go suck my dick."

This statement makes more impact if you are pregnant and surrounded by elderly customers. Such exclamations may be necessary if you are union and other attempts to get fired have failed.

I'm not sure if Advil will help

While visiting Redneck Cousin Eileen yesterday, she told me how she woke up with a headache but didn't know why. Her husband asked her if she hit her head on the wall during the night, to which she said, "No but - AH HA! I know what caused my headache! My cat headbutted me during the night! She has a really hard head!" And then plunked the cat on the head with her finger to prove her point.

More preparations for baby

My Redneck Cousin Eileen just called and asked if we would be willing to drive over an hour to her trailer to help move furniture so she and her husband could remove tack strips and staples from the floor. Most of our relatives live within a ten mile radius of Eileen, I don't know why she called me.

It hadn't occurred to her to remove the drawers from the dressers to make them lighter or to remove all the stuff and TV from the entertainment center before moving it. When I suggested she do this to make the moving easier for two people (or even her husband by himself, a nightstand is not that heavy), I was met with silence and then "Oh yeah!"

They'll be getting their new plywood flooring in a couple days. Supposedly they're hoping to get hardwood floor on top of it. In a trailer.

Learning an important lesson

I recently visited my Redneck Cousin Eileen who doesn't have hot water. She and her husband have cold water but they turned off the hot water because their pipes were leaking or are broken or something. I try not to ask too many questions so I'm not sure about the specifics. All I know is they've been living in their $500 trailer for about six months now and still haven't fixed the pipe problem.

So we chatted while she boiled some water, poured it into a bucket with some soap and leaned over to ring out the mop. By the way, Eileen is 20-years-old and pregnant.

My boyfriend was watching her and said, "Eileen, you know that water is hot, right? It's steaming! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Eileen, "Yeah, but it's not that hot."

I'm sure you know where this is going. She reached into the water, quickly pulled out her hands and said, "Ow!"

I think it's good she learns just boiled water is hot before the baby is born.