Breaking news!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty finally put in their new passenger windows!

About six months ago, she got mad and punched out one window, then he got mad and punched out the other. They taped black garbage bags where the windows should have been but got pulled over for having dark covering over their windows. Their solution was to rip off the black garbage bags and replace them with clear plastic. Fast forward six months and the plastic is full of holes and flapping in the wind. They looked so bad that the last time Eileen visited, one of my neighbors (jokingly) complained that their car brought down the neighborhood property value and scared away potential renters for his near-by rental.

We live in a cold, rainy state and their baby is due in a little over a month, so after much lecturing from family members, they decided to put in "plastic windows that won't break when we punch them." I suggested they buy one of those clown bunching bags instead, but they only laughed and puffed away on their cigarettes in deep thought. Thankfully, someone convinced them to buy glass windows and after talking about it for a month, finally installed them in the doors.

At least now the baby won't get rained on. Well, until someone gets angry.

Redneck games

Bored? I feel your pain. I grew up on an isolated ranch in the mountains without television reception. Thus, my sister and I had to be creative when it came time to entertaining ourselves. Take for instance, a game called Chicken Torture.

First, we would catch and calm down a chicken. Calming a chicken down is easy, just flip it over and there you have it. Calm. Next, tie a piece of hay bale twine to a post and then tie the other end to the chickens leg. Set him down on the ground and watch him run away and then get yanked off his feet! Yee haw! After a few tries, the chicken will give up and just lay there on the ground - even after you untie him. Ooh wee is that a lot of fun for a couple of podunk redneck kids!

Even more fun, get your Redneck Great Grandpa involved (when Grandma isn't looking) and have him make mouth harp noises while the chicken is trying to run away!

Something else you can do is wait until a good wintry day when the pond is frozen over, then call the chickens at feeding time and throw the chicken food on the ice! Chickens will go aflying and skidding everywhere.

Oh yeah, great fun!

....

Redneck Grandma always has something to say.

"Shit or get off the pot."

"It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock."

Moving violation

Once, my Redneck Uncle Samuel and Redneck Cousin Jason offered to help my sister (City Sister) move from one town to another. While visiting, they did a cookie in a road construction area, cussed loud enough to make the neighbors stare and generally acted out.

Finally, to her relief, she had everything packed and they left town. My sister decided to follow their truck, which carried her larger items that were covered by a tarp. The tarp kept waving around wildly in the wind but Uncle Samuel kept on driving. Suddenly, my sister saw him lurch off to the side of the road and come to a stop. It was then that she saw Jason in the bed of the truck! Apparently, he had slipped out of the window while Samuel was driving on a narrow, winding coastal highway and was trying to tie down the tarp.

I'm sure moving from a pickup truck cab to the bed is somewhere on the list of Redneck Accomplishments. And possibly may be nominated for the Darwin Awards.

The what?

Me: Good morning, Mom.

Redneck Mom: Good morning, sweetie. Watch out for the mouse blood.

Me: ???

(I'd like to say that I'm not surprised by much anymore, but my Redneck Mom still delivers surprise after surprise.)

Me: Um, mouse blood?

Redneck Mom: *Giggling* Well, it was dark in here this morning and I saw something scurrying towards me. I couldn't tell what it was but I knew it shouldn't be running towards me, so I instinctively stomped on it! (Shows me how she stomped and then stands on one leg with hands flailing in the air.) Then I realized...eww, I stomped on a mouse! I stomped on a mouse!

Me: Mom!

Redneck Mom: *More giggling* I guess the cats brought a mouse in the house.

Me: Er, OK. But why did you leave dried up mouse blood on the floor? And... is that the mouse?? *pointing*

Redneck Mom: Oh, the cats will take care of it.

You can take the girl out the country, but not the country out the girl.

I can't help that I'm related to rednecks. In fact, once in a while I do something rednecky too. Last week after my boyfriend and I arrived at my Redneck Mom's house at 11:30PM at night, we had to pee so bad that we walked down each of the driveways and peed at the end to "send a message to the coyotes."

I'm not sure what that message would be, but hopefully it keeps them at bay a little longer.

It's a disease, really.

Bathing

My Redneck Mom doesn't believe in bathing every day. She says, "it washes away natural minerals and oils that my body needs."

I'm afraid to argue this point with her, lest I learn more than I want to about her bathing habits.