I wish I was that smart

Our country may be experiencing some tough economic times, but if only everyone had thought ahead like my Redneck Uncle Dale and his wife. After frequent trips to the dentist to treat poor dental hygiene, they decided it would just be easier and cheaper to have all their teeth pulled. Now that they have dentures, they don't have to visit the dentist, therefore cutting down on expenses and putting a few extra dollars in the cigarette fund.

I just wish they knew you're still supposed to clean dentures as if they were actual real teeth. Green, sticky, thick looking scum is not a good thing in your mouth.

Redneck Vocabulary

Hoover (verb) - Stop hoovering over me, you're in my space.

Crick (noun) - Let's go swimming in the crick and catch us some crawdads.

Bob wire (noun) - I ripped my britches on the bob wire fence.

I'm not sure if Advil will help

While visiting Redneck Cousin Eileen yesterday, she told me how she woke up with a headache but didn't know why. Her husband asked her if she hit her head on the wall during the night, to which she said, "No but - AH HA! I know what caused my headache! My cat headbutted me during the night! She has a really hard head!" And then plunked the cat on the head with her finger to prove her point.

Words of Wisdom

"If you keep pouting like that, a rooster is going to sit on your lip and shit in your mouth."

Thank you, Redneck Grandma.

More preparations for baby

My Redneck Cousin Eileen just called and asked if we would be willing to drive over an hour to her trailer to help move furniture so she and her husband could remove tack strips and staples from the floor. Most of our relatives live within a ten mile radius of Eileen, I don't know why she called me.

It hadn't occurred to her to remove the drawers from the dressers to make them lighter or to remove all the stuff and TV from the entertainment center before moving it. When I suggested she do this to make the moving easier for two people (or even her husband by himself, a nightstand is not that heavy), I was met with silence and then "Oh yeah!"

They'll be getting their new plywood flooring in a couple days. Supposedly they're hoping to get hardwood floor on top of it. In a trailer.

A solution

Though I live in a relatively small town, it's still a big city to my Redneck Family. A few months ago, my Redneck Aunt Ruby and Redneck Mom came to visit and were complaining about all the "traffic" driving through my residential neighborhood. A school bus drove by fairly fast but was still probably within the speed limit. My Redneck Aunt yelled out "SLOW DOWN!!!" and scared the crap out of all of us. See, she's just under 5 foot tall and yet has this alarmingly loud voice which is even louder when she's yelling. Of course the bus didn't slow down so she turned to us and said, "I have a solution for that bus! Next time it drives by, throw a life size baby doll in his window. That'll make him slow down!"

And now I want some orange chicken

"I want to learn Oriental."

Talking about foreign languages we want to study.

The Crazy

I'm sure you're up on the hype about how the world is going to end in 2012. Just like it was going to end in 2000 and on 8/08/2008. At least, that's what my crazy Redneck Uncle Ricky told me each time. I try to keep my distance from him, much like I do when I find out someone has the flu. But a few days ago I happened upon him and decided to visit with him, since I heard he's off the meth now and is a changed man.

Shit, the rumors are wrong! He may not be an angry mad man, but he's still a crazy loon!

A couple minutes into the conversation, I started staring at the mountains around us, so I didn't quite memorize everything he said. But for starters, children under age 20 experience deja vu and see spirits. Once they pass 20, they're not so lucky. This is where I started to really lose focus. I came back in time to hear about time travel and how all the UFOs are actually people time traveling. They appear and disappear in the sky because they've studied history books and know exactly when planes are in the sky, so they're able to avoid them and not have any collisions. If they travel to places on earth, they might collide with a tree, building, boulder or animal.

Somewhere around this point, the subject of solar flares came up. It seems that in 2012 there will be such huge solar flares that we will lose electricity for several years and disaster will be under foot! For this reason, he is buying bags of rice, salt, sugar, oats, flour and other staples and storing them in a trailer buried in the side of a mountain. I hear it's several miles into the forest where other people can't get to it.

Also linked to the solar flares, planets are going to line up with a certain star in Orion's belt and cause something to happen...I seriously don't know what he said next, I think I blacked out.

Oh yeah, it seems Nostradamus "prophesied" there was to be several Antichrist's: Napoleon, Hitler, George W. Bush and Saddam. I may have left some out but I think you get the idea. And Obama is the "black messiah" who will try to rescue us but will fail.

I don't know how we were able to tear ourselves away from him but we finally did and started driving away. It was at this point that my Redneck Cousin Norman started telling me how he believes 50% of Uncle Ricky's sentiments and then started reciting a sentence about Einstein and the "relative theory of gravity." I told him that unless he wants everyone else to think he's crazy too, he should make sure he studies up on the subjects so he can sound like he knows what he's talking about. Long story short, after some loud arguing about how he sounds like an ignorant ass that bases all his theories on studying done while stoned in high school, I ended up telling him to shut up five times because he wouldn't stop interrupting me and kept saying that stupid "relative theory of gravity" sentence.

So yeah. We just may have two loons in the family now. I'm not counting myself!

City water

"I can't drink this here city water. It makes me sick. It doesn't taste good because it's missing all that beaver pee and stuff."

Learning an important lesson

I recently visited my Redneck Cousin Eileen who doesn't have hot water. She and her husband have cold water but they turned off the hot water because their pipes were leaking or are broken or something. I try not to ask too many questions so I'm not sure about the specifics. All I know is they've been living in their $500 trailer for about six months now and still haven't fixed the pipe problem.

So we chatted while she boiled some water, poured it into a bucket with some soap and leaned over to ring out the mop. By the way, Eileen is 20-years-old and pregnant.

My boyfriend was watching her and said, "Eileen, you know that water is hot, right? It's steaming! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Eileen, "Yeah, but it's not that hot."

I'm sure you know where this is going. She reached into the water, quickly pulled out her hands and said, "Ow!"

I think it's good she learns just boiled water is hot before the baby is born.

Words of Wisdom

"I don't drink no water, I'll just sweat it out anyway."

Fecal matter is fascinating

Most moms send photos of a cute kitten about to fall off a rope saying "Hang in There" to your inbox. But if your mom is a redneck, you probably receive photos like this one all the time. Or maybe even to your cell phone. At least, that's what my mom does. She doesn't do it to be disgusting or rude, she is genuinely fascinated with the fact that a cougar pooped in the backyard. And because I'm her daughter, I should be as well.

If I don't respond right away, she'll always call to let me know she has sent me a photo of cougar poop with hair in it to my email address, along with a description of how fresh it was, how she discovered it's level of freshness, the size and any other textures it possessed. Because animal feces is fascinating to my Redneck Mom.