You can have her.

With the latest health care reforms our government is in the process of instilling, my Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty have decided to move to Canada.

Eileen: "There's lots of jobs in Canada, the timber industry is hiring a lot of people."

I tried to explain that you can't just get a job that easily, especially in a foreign country.

Eileen: "I know four or five people who have moved to Canada and they got jobs right away."

Me: "No, it doesn't work like that. You can't just move to a foreign country and start working."

Eileen: "It's true, you just get a job right away."

Me: "No."

Eileen: "Yeah!"

Me: "No."

Eileen: "Yeah!"

Me: "No. If you do that, you'll be working illegally. You have to have a green card, visa, work permit or something like that. Just like when you get a job here, the HR department asks if you're a citizen and if not, to provide proof you can work in the country."

Eileen: *Silence* "Well, all we need is $20,000 then, and we can become citizens of Canada."

I don't know where this dollar figure came from, but this is coming from the person who can't afford to pay her own health insurance.

That'll learn it!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen is staying the night. Last week she asked if she could stay the night because she has an early doctor appointment. I just learned the appointment is at 2:00PM.

Anyway, Eileen just finished rubbing down her exposed stomach with lotion and then took her stomach and shook it. She gripped her stomach and shook it with all her might. Then she told me she does this to "teach the baby" to stop kicking her.

Sigh.

Something is sour

My Redneck Cousin Eileen is getting close to having her baby and consequently, a lot of people are giving her baby clothes. Yesterday, I helped Eileen sort all the baby clothes into boxes according to size when I noticed stains on a few of the onesies. At first, I thought it was because they were used. I have nothing against used baby clothes, as long as they are clean, disease free and look reasonably nice. But these stains were ridiculous. And then I decided to sniff one of the stains on the front of an outfit. It was sour! The stains were actually old sour spit-up milk!

I asked my Redneck Cousin about it and she said, "Oh, my friend gave them to me. She was pulling clothes out of her dirty clothes pile and giving them to me."

Meanwhile, these dirty clothes had been piled in the broken crib for weeks. They are now organized in boxes - still dirty. Eileen is excited about the baby clothes and sees nothing wrong with their state. Is it just me?

Redneck Vocabulary

Vargina (noun) - I don't like that word, "vargina," instead I say "privates."

Mocsakins (noun) - Indian mocsakins are so comfortable on my feet.

Kinaling (noun) - We need to chop some kinaling for tomorrows fire.

Ahh, cell phones. A blessing and a curse.

Me: Hullo?

Redneck Mom: I sent some pictures to your cell phone!

Me: Yes, I know. I just got them.

Redneck Mom: Are you putting the pictures into your computer?

Me: Um, no. I've been a little busy being unemployed and all. I'm watching TV.

Redneck Mom: Well in case you couldn't tell, they're chipmunk balls! They're the biggest chipmunk balls I have ever seen - you know, in proportion to this size animal body. They're HUUUUUGE. I can't wait until you show them to your friends!

Me: .....



Redneck Mom: Hello? Hello??HELLO?!AREYOUSTILLTHERE???

Me: Mom, calm down! Sometimes there is a slight delay on cell phones. Also, I was just thinking about what you said.

Redneck Mom: Oh OK. Stupid cell phone!

Breaking news!

My Redneck Cousin Eileen and her husband Rusty finally put in their new passenger windows!

About six months ago, she got mad and punched out one window, then he got mad and punched out the other. They taped black garbage bags where the windows should have been but got pulled over for having dark covering over their windows. Their solution was to rip off the black garbage bags and replace them with clear plastic. Fast forward six months and the plastic is full of holes and flapping in the wind. They looked so bad that the last time Eileen visited, one of my neighbors (jokingly) complained that their car brought down the neighborhood property value and scared away potential renters for his near-by rental.

We live in a cold, rainy state and their baby is due in a little over a month, so after much lecturing from family members, they decided to put in "plastic windows that won't break when we punch them." I suggested they buy one of those clown bunching bags instead, but they only laughed and puffed away on their cigarettes in deep thought. Thankfully, someone convinced them to buy glass windows and after talking about it for a month, finally installed them in the doors.

At least now the baby won't get rained on. Well, until someone gets angry.

Redneck games

Bored? I feel your pain. I grew up on an isolated ranch in the mountains without television reception. Thus, my sister and I had to be creative when it came time to entertaining ourselves. Take for instance, a game called Chicken Torture.

First, we would catch and calm down a chicken. Calming a chicken down is easy, just flip it over and there you have it. Calm. Next, tie a piece of hay bale twine to a post and then tie the other end to the chickens leg. Set him down on the ground and watch him run away and then get yanked off his feet! Yee haw! After a few tries, the chicken will give up and just lay there on the ground - even after you untie him. Ooh wee is that a lot of fun for a couple of podunk redneck kids!

Even more fun, get your Redneck Great Grandpa involved (when Grandma isn't looking) and have him make mouth harp noises while the chicken is trying to run away!

Something else you can do is wait until a good wintry day when the pond is frozen over, then call the chickens at feeding time and throw the chicken food on the ice! Chickens will go aflying and skidding everywhere.

Oh yeah, great fun!

....