Surgery

My Redneck Mom recently discovered she had a tick on her back. Well, not on it, but buried down under her skin. It all started when she felt something on her back and decided to rub against the door frame to soothe the itch. The next day, her back felt tender and painful to the touch. She had her sister, Redneck Aunt Ruby, come over to take a look and discovered she had rubbed off the body of a tick and the head was buried down in her flesh!

Thankfully, my Redneck Cousin Emalyn has some experience in this field (considering she is the health care provider for her cattle - not that I'm calling Mom a cow), so she and Ruby got together and decided to perform surgery on Mom.

"They used every knife they could find in my kitchen, plus my two pocket knives and some tweezers, but they were all dull. Boy it really hurt when they were digging in!"

(I just remembered how we used Mom's steak knives at dinner last night and I feel sick.)

Anyway, so after a couple hours of performing surgery with dull kitchen knives, my Redneck Cousin Emalyn got the tick out, poured some bleach on the wound and put on a Hello Kitty bandage with some Neosporin. And that is how you perform out-patient redneck surgery.

Also, now I'm excited because I know what I'm getting my Redneck Mom for her birthday - a knife sharpener!!

Redneck Vocabulary

Whipper whapper (noun) - The whipper whapper might be a little rusty, but you can still use it to beat the eggs for our french toast. Rust is a mineral, it's good for you.

Ninoleum (noun) - I bought some ninoleum flooring for the bottom of the chicken house.

Chimley (noun) - We used a garden hose to put out the chimley fire.

How to get fired, redneck style

After your boss asks you to do something, tell him to "Go suck my dick."

This statement makes more impact if you are pregnant and surrounded by elderly customers. Such exclamations may be necessary if you are union and other attempts to get fired have failed.

Drinking but not driving

A group of Redneck People I know recently asked a close friend to be their designated driver. She was driving along when she heard cans opening in the back seat. After some questioning, she learned her passengers were drinking beer. She quickly pulled over and made them all drink up before she drove any further.

This caused quite a bit of confusion because after all, she was their designed driver! Isn't that why they asked her to drive, so they could drink? There were a lot of sad faces and pouty expressions that night as everyone got to the bars a little less drunk than they expected.

Redneck dog training trick

Pesky Cocker Spaniel won't stop killing the chickens? Try this redneck solution:

Simply tie the dead chicken around the dogs neck and chain him up in the yard until he learns his lesson.

You might be in trouble if you have a dog that's a little low on brain cells. In this case, the dog just might eat the rotting chicken and the lesson won't be learned at all. Unfortunately, I think this type of dog might be a little more common than we'd like to believe. Good luck with that.

And let that be a warning to all of you too!

My Redneck Mom really knows her way around a rifle. Well, minus the fact that she told me she wasn't sure how to tell if her guns are on safety or not until she tries to take a shot, but that's a minor detail that I try not to think about. She has developed quite a reputation amongst her friends and family and nobody doubts her "Will shoot to kill" sign on her barn, but that story is for another day.

Being a woman, the men in the area are even more impressed with her abilities to shoot elk, deer, coyotes or anything else that ends up in her cross hairs. (All legal of course. Mom learned her lesson when she trapped a cougar and forgot to report it.)

Since she lives in a rural area, Mom experiences a lot of problems with predators, specifically coyotes. One night she heard coyotes howling in the field near her house, so she crept down to the field and saw one harassing her horses. spotted it at the very far end near the fence and shot it with a light in one hand so she could see his eyes glimmering and the rifle in the other. With one shot! The next day she hung the coyote on the fence "as a warning to all the other coyotes."

Somehow I doubt the coyotes in the area are that smart. In fact, they probably returned to take little bites off their friend.

Now I just need to find someone who can show her what "safety" looks like on a gun.

Rotten, and not just the eggs

Tired of those pesky kids parking their cars on the shoulders of narrow country roads near popular swimming holes? You know what I'm talking about, the ones that force log trucks to cut into your lane while driving around narrow corners? Just do what my Redneck Mom does. Save up all your rotten chicken eggs, then drive by the cars and throw the eggs at them.

You'll take care of two problems in one, your rotten eggs will be disposed of and your enemy will return to their car to find rotten egg bits and shells all over it. It's a win-win.