You know you're nasty when...

You stay the night at your relative's house and you wipe your biggest boogers on the freshly painted wall several times. When confronted about it, you lie and say, "Oh, I must have sneezed on the wall." You promise to clean the wall the next time you visit.

Instead of cleaning the wall, you avoid the offended wall and visit the bathroom where you then wipe a bloody booger out of reach of everyone else that could have done it.

I think that's what got her in trouble in the first place

My Redneck Cousin Eileen announced in a text today that she is having cunt tractions and should be having the baby soon. Yes, you read that correctly. Cunt tractions.

Redneck Mom's prized frozen possession

Also, I think that's an elk head in the black bag. I'm afraid to ask.

Playing it safe

Redneck Cousin Eileen recently received some words of wisdom from her father.

"You better hope your baby is a boy or Rusty won't be able to change it's diapers. If he changes the diapers of a baby girl, he can go to jail for sexual molestation."

Eileen's husband has taken these words to heart and has already announced he won't be changing any of the upcoming baby girl's diapers.

Baby shower game

While visiting my Redneck Mom last weekend, I attended my Redneck Cousin Eileen's baby shower. I walked in a few minutes after everyone had started a game and was told I needed to fill out a name tag using a word associated with a baby. The object of the game was to call people by their "new" name and if someone used the person's real name, they lost a safety pin to the person that called them on it first. The person with the most safety pins at the end of the shower won a prize.

I chose the name "Spit-up" and looked around the room to see what the others had chosen. My Redneck Aunt Ruby chose "Milk," another relative chose "Diaper," etc. Then I asked my Redneck Cousin what she had chosen.

"Titties." What, I said? "Titties!" The other women in the room rolled their eyes and said, Yes you heard her right. After a few words about the appropriateness of the word, she ended up changing her name to "Baby Mama." I told her that was better, even if it is ghetto.

Also, the baby shower was in a church. "Titties!"

Sweet!

I spent the weekend at my Redneck Mom's, a woman who seemingly goes out of her way to give me something to think about my entire stay. "Watch out for the spider in the sugar," she said.

So we picked up the large bag that was sitting in the cupboard and looked. But no spider. "Well, I know he's in there because I saw his cobweb and then he ran away."

More looking ensued, but still no spider. "I'll just keep using the sugar and if he shows up, I'll throw him away." *giggling*

Needless to say, I had no need for sugar this weekend.

She must have missed that parenting class

Apparently, my Redneck Grandma heard about Redneck Eileen shaking the baby while in utero. She told Eileen to stop being mean to the baby. Eileen sulked.